Reset the old data with a clear direction…

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I’m a total nerd, and I’ve accumulated a whole lot of data points about myself throughout my life. As I’m making new choices, that data is influencing me in unconscious and energetical ways. Typically it will follow the well trodden pathway that the continuous pattern of choices has created. And those patterns play out on both a small scale and larger life scale.

Through the work I’ve been doing at Harmony Meditation – the method of changing the conditioned nature of those choices requires setting a right direction & focus. There needs to be a core goal/target around which everything else in life can start to naturally self-organize. This sets a standard to gauge the actual value of those choices in a more intentful way.

And this is followed by the doing!! After setting the target, I remember not to overestimate what the process of reaching towards it will be like once I’m fully immersed in the journey. Some days it will be immense effort to go against that old data. But no matter what that is the way forward. The theory and cognitive concept can be crystal clear but the reality of how these ideas are applied has never actually matched up with the expectation itself. I’m testing my cognitive understanding with every effort I make and am realigning my choices and information with the new growth oriented goal I’ve set for myself.

So I use the time I have to make the most of the opportunities I have to grow while I have them. Resetting those old data points through practice and meditation, because I don’t want to lose the moments by being stuck in an old mindset, and emotional comfort zone. And through that I’m creating a new space in my life for even more chances at growth. To be ready to ride a new wave of possibility toward my goal. I’m building it up with consistency – aiming to get just one more step ahead of where I want to be.

Responsibility to Heal

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During a recent meditation, I distinctly felt a layer of tensed tightness related to the efforts I’ve been making that seemed to envelop my core. In that moment, it dissipated and made way for an immense peace and clarity. I had caught a glimpse of the subtle baseline that I’ve been living in and acting from. But was this baseline one that I was improving through diligent sincere effort?

Zen Tai Chi has been an instrumental framework for building sincerity. Sincerity with the body cultivates sincerity with mind and thoughts. The body does not lie. It manifests what it has. At an earlier time in my life, I’ve learned this lesson through long distance running. That you can push your body but you have to be gentle and sincere with where you are. If I pushed too hard, too forcefully I would end up hurt and injured but if I did too little in a lazy way then I would remain stuck at the level I was at. So the sweet spot is just beyond the edge of the current comfort zone. A place that the mind finds uncomfortable, but the body can really enjoy without incurring injury. Learning to find that balance is the essence of what Zen Tai Chi has been for me. Learning to listen and hear the natural condition that is being communicated while in motion. Without any of the bias or filters or laziness that might impair the objective presence with the real experience.

But how does this tie to responsibility? I can start with intention – What do I want and what? And what do I realllly want? My biggest weakness in life has been my disconnectedness. I sought to resolve my inner world to better connect with the outer one. An external world that often filled me with anxiety. A world darkened by my perception of it. Who is responsible for that perception? I spent a lifetime believing that it was a product of misfortunate circumstances. Something beyond my control.

But healing is an active practice. At Harmony Meditation I’ve learned how it is possible to lead myself into a brighter state of being. Toward a Bigger Self that encompasses the objective reality of those lived experiences without becoming tethered to them. So a new choice appears. A real choice. A choice about sincerity. A sincerity about healing. A sincerity of acceptance for things as they are.

So I can make peace with the mistakes I’ve made and realign myself with the goals I’ve set. To heal and grow up as a human and live as a Bigger Self, not confined by a limited ego but expanded through genuine connection and love. For everything that actually matters in the life – this is my responsibility.

Thank you me

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Thank you me
The Bigger me
For seeing me
And loving me

For finding me
When I was lost
And accepting me
So patiently

For knowing there’s much more to me
The boundless, brighter, Bigger me

Thank you for being here with me
And in time, becoming me

Letting go when it’s time to let go

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Letting go of someone will never be easy, but it’s an inescapable part of life that deserves heartfelt acknowledgment and mindful consideration. It’s instilled with so much heavy emotion related to grief and sadness… It’s not an aspect of life I had learned to handle very well.

What I’ve come to know recently is how broken my relationship with sadness has been. Without fully realizing it – it had become this emotion that I had grown too scared to fully approach. Because of certain things in my personal history – it had come to represent this bottomless abyss that drains everything from you leaving behind just a hopeless whimper in the darkness. It was a place that I lost many years to, and used all the strength I had to get out. And because I personally experienced it this way, I imagined others must be feeling it this way as well. But that was just my broken sense, and this time around I’ve allowed these emotions to fully pass through me to actually get to the other side of all the pain.

And with some time it’s gradually evolved into a bittersweet feeling… and I know now that sadness is not something to fear. On this side, I’ve found a renewed clarity about what’s actually important in my life. And a immense gratitude for everything I had when it was there. Thank you for coming into my life and for everything you shared with me. The memory will not be tainted with heavy feelings. Instead I choose to remember and hold all the positive, beautiful moments and lessons learned along the way. To have that memory empower me to grow further in lightness and in love.

Breathe in, Breathe out – I release you, and I release the energy.

Farewell my friend.

Balancing it out

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As personal life continues to cycle through it’s various phases, I’ve come to think of balance like a delicate maturity. A flower that rises with the understanding that two internal opposing forces need to find a way to coexist in harmonious equilibrium. For example – sometimes, you act logically, and other times be a little more emotional. There are moments when you need to be tough on yourself like a strict parent, and others when kindness and self-love is necessary. Stubbornly sticking to one approach, whether it’s out of habit or momentum, takes away from the truth and reality of the current moment. The pendulum swings back and forth, but the key is to not overcorrect when you find yourself stuck in one particular mode.

Finding that middle way can be hard. It’s so fragile and delicate, but why? Is it because the opposite extreme, is some kind of rebellious response to the consequences of the other? It feels almost childish most times — a lack of inner harmony that drives these swings wildly from one end to the other. Almost like a unconscious tantrum of sorts.

A pattern I’ve observed in my life is how I treat myself when I’m striving for something. Internal pressure builds and I push too hard, becoming a kind of dictator to my body and mind, expecting them to perform exactly as I demand. I continuously force and push myself, even when I’m clearly at my limit. Resilience is one side of this coin, which is certainly a positive quality, but when taken too far, it slips into obsession and toward burnout.

And when that happens, the pendulum swings the other way. I release the pressure, indulge in self-care, and shower myself with love. For a time, it feels like healing. But unchecked, that self-love becomes complacency, and laziness. And then, when I notice time slipping away, a creeping frustration and guilt sets in. That realization jolts me back into action, and the cycle begins anew. The dictator returns, and once again, I find myself at the other extreme.

Looking back, I can see how these cycles have played out over weeks, months, even years. I’ve come to realize that balance isn’t even about completely avoiding the extremes but rather learning not to overcorrect when I notice I’ve been stuck in one mode for too long. So this new idea of balance lies in harmonizing the two extremes instead of letting them compete for dominance.

It’s a journey, and I’m still learning. Over time, I hope to better embrace that subtle middle ground where all these occasionally opposing forces like logic and emotion, effort and rest, resilience and self-love, can all coexist in harmony.

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