This energy that I have stuck in my head weighs me down. The energy can flow in my body but my head feels trapped. I have so much attachment to what goes on in my head, particularly my eyesight. This brings much stress and pressure to my eyes when I want to see everything that is around me, and navigate everything in my environment when I am unable to do so with my limited eyesight. It is much less stress when I let go of caring to see all of my surroundings.

My eyes are a body part of mine. Almost like an illusion, they pick up on our environment outside of ourselves and we almost feel like it’s apart of us. As my eyesight has decreased it gets harder and harder to navigate and to be aware of my sighted environment. When I am with other people it is much easier for me if I let go of what I see and sit in the presence of my other senses.

This is an attachment to my body, expressed in the part of it that is aging before the rest of my body is.

What does this have to teach me? What does this have to show me? This is suffering. My body will decline eventually. Since this is not immediately  life threatening to me, this is a lesson I can learn from.

Our world is the mind. I always thought the the mind was only thinking. Now I understand the mind to be the fabric of our entire experience. The state of the mind is the state of us. The mind is what brings together all of our essence, like a railroad connecting the stations.

The stations connect in harmony through the mind. 

I have had a hard time with my farming career. Everyone I work with has such strong ego. They have to win and be right! How could I grow beyond that when everyone I work with was dragging me towards ego? To grow is the answer, and right now I grow by letting it flow and letting go.

Professional development?

Fulfillment?

What is at the core?

A train rumbles past the train tracks.

I‘m in a field next to it. I wait as our bean planter comes into the field.

It’s dry. Very dry. There is rain in the forecast 5 days away, but with each passing day it keeps getting moved back. We do what we can.

We adapt.

We’re farmers.

We have to work with the nature.

The nature changes too, just like me.

Change is constant. If change wasn’t constant then I couldn’t grow myself. I’m working to grow myself.

Energy is flowing. The next stage on my journey is my energy. I may let it flow. Do I sit in it? Sit with it? Feel it?

Easier said than done.  

I carry responsibility with me. In the past I have often have seen it as a burden, something that I need to shed to move forward with my life. It weighed down my shoulders. My bigger self now understands that the responsibilities I feel aren’t shackles meant to be heavy. With my growth, these chains that I dragged around now feel lighter and lighter once these responsibilities are met head on with courage.

Take accountability.

Communicate.

Take action.

The buck stops with me, so I show that.

Prove it.

For as they say, no one is going to come and save me. I save myself. I do it for myself but I do it for those who rely on me. For this is what it means to be a big man at this stage of my growth.